it’s complete chaos. there is a clear breakdown of communication, and the entire lesson lasts less than 2 minutes.
the basketball lesson morphs into a sing along of, “toot tooty tooty, that’s what my baby says, toot tooty tooty” — a nonsensical song full of toot sounds, silly dance moves, and genuine boy giggles.
grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-- these feet mean b-ball business
the song and dance break lasts another 2 minutes. this stops long enough for the boys to grab their monster feet slippers — clearly, basketball is better in monster feet.
thing1 tries to get back to business with a lesson on pivots and dribbling.
i hear thing1 saying things like, “dribble, dribble, dribble, pivot, jump, and score.” while thing2 dances around and asks big brother to try to hit the frisbee he’s holding as a shield in front of his face. obviously, thing2 is a pro in the making.
but, then, something sweet happens… they start playing TOGETHER.
i get to watch thing1 let baby brother “steal” the ball, drive to the basket, and shoot as many times as it takes for him to make 2 points. then the hubs and i hear thing2‘s little voice cry out, “I’M THE WINNER! I GET THE TROPHY!” he’s got huge grin on his face waving his trophy in the air– which is just the frisbee used a few minutes ago as a shield. big brother is singing, “go, bear, go!!!”
SOOOOOOOO.great.for.my.heart.
i’m writing this brief, insignificant moment down, so i remember. when this moment passes, and the boys begin to bicker over who’s fastest, who’s smarter, who can jump farther– i’ll remember on a random, sunday afternoon, the stars aligned, and the boys dropped being competitive and just played TOGETHER.
i hope remembering this moment will get me through the silly fights they’re sure to have, the snippy remarks they’re sure to say, and will keep me focused on the prize i pray for night and day.
i pray for two boys living, sharing, celebrating life TOGETHER.
because at the end of all the boyhood battles- being TOGETHER really is better.
i’m goin’ gangsta in this post– and, straight up stealin’ a great idea from an amazing mother/ wife/ photographer i have the pleasure of knowing. the idea is simple– she picks a word that helps clarify her goals, hopes, aspirations for the coming year.
i think this is simply brilliant. a word will stick with you. it can become a simple prayer. and, believe me– i NEED a simple prayer. i get intimidated by prayer sometimes. i try to sound “grown-up” or REALLY holy– and, just come off sounding like greg focker in meet the parents :
Oh, dear God, thank you, you are such a good God to us. A kind and gentle and accommodating God, and we thank You oh sweet, sweet Lord of hosts for the smörgåsbord You have so aptly laid at our table this day, and each day, by day, day by day, by day oh dear Lord three things we pray to love Thee more dearly, to see Thee more clearly, to follow Thee more nearly, day, by day, by day. Amen.
i soooooo wish i could pray “pretty”. thankfully, the bible says the Holy Spirit intervenes and groans for us when we don’t have the words to pray.
but maybe, just maybe, if i take a moment and reflect on my life– where i’ve been the past year in my marriage, with my kids, in my friendships, with my God– and, if i can narrow my hopes into one word, God will honor this simple prayer and use it to draw me closer to Him.
so. first, i must be honest and reflect on the state of my life.
please Lord, tear it down
my marriage is strong. my hubby loves me despite my selfishness and encourages me to be the best me i can. but, i have to admit– i still struggle with being completely available to him. i have a wall of self-protection that is unattractive and hurtful to our marriage. i value feeling strong and independent– yet i want to feel taken care of and protected– what is that all about??? i confess, i really want to just tear the wall down and put my total trust in my God.
i want to say to my husband, “thank you, for loving me… hang in there… i promise i’ll get better at loving you.”
gently broken
my children are growing. and, i’m making mistakes. i pray they know how MUCH i love them and how MUCH i hate the anxiety i experience when things get loud and bouncy– and, with kids that’s practically 24/7. i pretty much stay anxious inside a majority of my day. i can go back to my upbringing… my relationship with my parents– or, confess unrealistic expectations i place on both the boys and myself– but, it all comes down to control. i want it, and i don’t have it. this is a HUGE area of concern for me, and i pray the Lord will GENTLY work this out of me.
i want to say to my boys, “i love you. hold on, and trust God. remember… momma’s not perfect, but she’ll always say she’s sorry.”
love my 'skillets more than chocolate
my friendships… ahhhhhhhhhhhhh… my friendships. i lean on these. i remember who i AM through these. the women i am blessed enough to call “friend” have lifted me up this year, literally carried me on their back, bought me cupcakes, shared their fears, their struggles, their hearts. i love each and every one. they are BETTER than a box of chocolate– because when i need them, i know EXACTLY what i’m gonna get. i wish for more time together, more LIFE together.
to my friends i want to say, “you are my light. you remind me i don’t HAVE to be anything other than what i am. i love each of you, and i thank God for you.”
there’s one special friendship i will never ignore. i want to thank God for making my best friend my sister. this past year put our relationship in a new place. i want to thank God for rescuing my sister, matthew, and amanda out of the wreckage. i want to thank God for giving me the time to share His love with her.
to boobah i want to say, “i promise to always be here. i promise to encourage, love, and lift you up. i miss you. can’t wait until you’re home, and we can rock. it.out.”
amen
and, of course, my God. i must look at how and IF my life reflected God’s gift for me. i confess i watched too much television (i blame tyra banks and that crazy model marathon), i judged, i held on to anger, i fought pride, i did not trust. and, through ALL that (and MORE) He never left me. He used me in my sister’s life, He provided for me, He was at the center of our home and marriage. He shared His word. He lifted me up. He loved me.
to my Lord i want to say, “i love YOU. You are my compass. Your ways are right. Please continue to use me– despite my damage. thank you for your Son.”
now.
a word.
to focus my prayers for the coming year.
a word.
that will cover all my selfish desires and keep my eyes and heart on Christ.
a word.
freedom.
i pray for freedom from the wall blocking my heart.
i pray for freedom from anxiety and the desire for control.
i pray for freedom to laugh, dance, run, share and eat cupcakes with my homeskillets.
so. i finished 9 miles– and i’m happy to report God gave me just enough strength to have a tear-free experience.
God’s strength came in the form of a shiny, new homeskillet. she deserves a great big holla for my positive experience.
this new ‘skillet was invited to join our running posse at the last minute–and even though we are strangers– i have been praying for her to join us since the day training started.
i’m used to my super-fit ‘skillets being waaaaaay out in front of me– and at times i lose sight of them on the trail. this is expected– they are faster. watching them move on without me has been a challenge, but i know they’re always waiting for me at the end of the run.
at the end i have my ‘skillets– but in the middle there’s just me.
alone.
ALL ALONE.
it’s kinda not fun running alone.
see– i’m a girl who loooooves her some ‘skillet time– talking to my girls gives me energy.
so. i’ve been praying for God to bring someone alongside me–
“i can’t do this alone, Lord. i NEED to talk, Lord. i mean, have you met me!!?? of course you have– you made me this way. you know what i need.
what i need is to be in bed.
it’s early, LORD. sooooooo stinkin’ early in the a.m. — i mean really. dear Lord. i haven’t had coffee or a sugary substance of any kind. sweet Lord. could you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help a sista out– and, throw a slow ‘skillet my way?”
God heard my selfish plea,andHe could have answered at any time.
i forget sometimes....
but, He waited for me to understand and appreciate the TRUTH– if i’m His, i’m never alone.
every time i’ve stepped foot on the trail– He’s been there.
i’ve shared moments with Him these past weeks that have made me KNOW He is real. through solitude and pain– He prepared my heart and my eyes to see Him more and more clearly.
and, only after i had time to get closer to Him– did He answer my prayer.
He brought me a new ‘skillet that runs my speed, stays at my tempo, and matches my stride. just like God’s timing– it’s a perfect fit.
AND I LOVE HIM FOR THAT! (throwing up God-lovin’ *spirit sprinkles*)
i believe He waited to bring this sweet, slow-paced skillet into the mix for HIS GLORY.
i see this new ‘skillet as a gift — like He’s saying, “i see you. i love you. and i am here with you.”
here’s the thing.
if this homeskillet had joined us at the beginning of our training session– i would have appreciated her. i would have been grateful for a new friend. grateful for a running partner. grateful for someone to make the mornings easier for me.
but, where’s God in that scenario?
well. of course, He’s still there– i just would have been too blind and too focused on myself to see Him. to appreciate Him. to love Him for loving me.
having this blessing of a girl join our group after the devastating run i had last week makes me appreciate and love God more.
with each new day and with each new challenge i understand and BELIEVE:
He wants to help me through the rough spots.
He wants to give me strength.
Hewants to heal my hurts.
He’s just waiting for me.
and, step by step.
at a slow-‘skillet pace– i know i’m getting closer to Him.
raise your hand! raise your hand -if you're sure..
this week has been a series of tests, and i feel i’m still waiting to see if i passed. i should feel confident, confident, dry and secure– sure– i should. but i don’t. not yet.
my little guy is full of life. he’s loving, happy, silly, and unfocused at times. he has trouble making eye contact and gets easily frustrated when he’s overstimulated. he’s three and big for his age. i’ve been approached by a well meaning individual and encouraged to get thing 2 evaluated. evaluated for what — i have no idea.
(ain’t that a kick in the head, homeskillets?!)
what do i do?? cha cha cha!!
since that awesome encounter– i’ve been on a wild goose chase waiting to hear life-changing news. this journey started a few weeks back– and, the entire time i’ve been dancing the fear-filled cha-cha.
one moment– stepping up — thinking, “let it go! how dare this woman!”– the next moment– stepping back — thinking, “but, what if there’s something that needs attention! i can’t ignore it!”
yuck-filled thoughts= fearful homeskillet
each and every day i’ve gotten clear, tangible proof my fear is unfounded. but, here i am. still unsettled. still jittery with worry. two tests. two positive, encouraging results. numerous friends lifting us up in prayer and saying they SEE our family and have faith God has made our boy exactly right. exactly who he should be.
so i ask, when is reassurance ENOUGH to move on? how do i stop worrying. i know at this point my fear is a huge insult to God.
( i picture Him with a thick, new york accent– godfather-style— saying things like “you’re breaking my heart, fredo”. “leave the worry, take the cannoli.” )
so, why am i hanging on? why am i not comforted by the fact that my baby boy is a normal 3 year old? because if there’s nothing wrong– if he’s “normal” then maybe my guy is falling short because of me. maybe i haven’t given him all he needs to succeed on his own. maybe my limitations as a mom or my past bad choices have hindered my sweet boy’s present. ouch. every action, choice, thought has a consequence– and, as a parent my stuff affects the innocent babies i’ve been blessed with. ouch.
how do i say, “i’m sorry?” how do i make it right? how do i move forward without worry?
stop. drop the worry- yo.
i stop.
i stop trying to move through this alone and confess my fears and doubt.
i pray.
“Lord. i’m scared. i’m afraid i’ve failed my son. i love him so much and i love his sweet heart. i don’t know if i’ve done enough, and i fear he’s missing something because of me. i pray that you’ll give him ears to listen and focus his eyes on what is important, and true. please cover all my missteps with Your grace and keep my feet moving forward– away from fear– towards rest and peace in You.”
this homeskillet life 