this week has been a series of tests, and i feel i’m still waiting to see if i passed. i should feel confident, confident, dry and secure– sure– i should. but i don’t. not yet.
my little guy is full of life. he’s loving, happy, silly, and unfocused at times. he has trouble making eye contact and gets easily frustrated when he’s overstimulated. he’s three and big for his age. i’ve been approached by a well meaning individual and encouraged to get thing 2 evaluated. evaluated for what — i have no idea.
(ain’t that a kick in the head, homeskillets?!)
since that awesome encounter– i’ve been on a wild goose chase waiting to hear life-changing news. this journey started a few weeks back– and, the entire time i’ve been dancing the fear-filled cha-cha.
one moment– stepping up — thinking, “let it go! how dare this woman!”– the next moment– stepping back — thinking, “but, what if there’s something that needs attention! i can’t ignore it!”
each and every day i’ve gotten clear, tangible proof my fear is unfounded. but, here i am. still unsettled. still jittery with worry. two tests. two positive, encouraging results. numerous friends lifting us up in prayer and saying they SEE our family and have faith God has made our boy exactly right. exactly who he should be.
so i ask, when is reassurance ENOUGH to move on? how do i stop worrying. i know at this point my fear is a huge insult to God.
( i picture Him with a thick, new york accent– godfather-style— saying things like “you’re breaking my heart, fredo”. “leave the worry, take the cannoli.” )
so, why am i hanging on? why am i not comforted by the fact that my baby boy is a normal 3 year old? because if there’s nothing wrong– if he’s “normal” then maybe my guy is falling short because of me. maybe i haven’t given him all he needs to succeed on his own. maybe my limitations as a mom or my past bad choices have hindered my sweet boy’s present. ouch. every action, choice, thought has a consequence– and, as a parent my stuff affects the innocent babies i’ve been blessed with. ouch.
how do i say, “i’m sorry?” how do i make it right? how do i move forward without worry?
i stop trying to move through this alone and confess my fears and doubt.
“Lord. i’m scared. i’m afraid i’ve failed my son. i love him so much and i love his sweet heart. i don’t know if i’ve done enough, and i fear he’s missing something because of me. i pray that you’ll give him ears to listen and focus his eyes on what is important, and true. please cover all my missteps with Your grace and keep my feet moving forward– away from fear– towards rest and peace in You.”