soooooooooooooo surprise, surprise– life is hard.
and, i’ve finally figured out what makes it so hard– PEOPLE.
i am realizing more and more i have no control over the response of others. i can not make ANYONE do ANYTHING.
why won't anyone let me lead?!
this totally bugs me to no end because i think i’d make an awesome cruise director– like julie on the love boat.
i’d be all– “here are directions to the lido deck where you’ll find rest, relaxation, and scott baio making out with kristy mcnichol, but to get there you really need to walk through your junk first. i know some excellent activities that can get you started such as, admitting you need help, communication, and being open to change– of course, most of these take place on the poop deck.”
are you ready to be a better passenger and enjoy your trip? are you? ARE YOU?? well then, just listen to me okay… OKAY??!
(insert me in an awesome 80’s ensemble with a white-knuckle grip on my clipboard and crazy eyes)
me. with crazy eyes. holla.
i believe i can fix EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY– i want to take action, move toward change, address messy issues head on. unfortunately, PEOPLE get in my way.
when this happens i’m left with frustration, anger, and out-of-control crazy eyes.
clearly, there is something wrong with this picture. clearly, being in charge is not a good plan for me. clearly.
i have to say– God gave me an awesome set of crazy eyes as a clear indicator of my limited power. whenever i get to feeling a little too big for my britches those eyes seem to pop out like a done turkey dinner. HOLLA!
the most recent set of crazy eyes actually happened during my visit with boobah. i was hoping for a certain type of visit. i guess after a year of letters and missing her i had a few expectations some i was conscious of– and, some i had no clue i was feeling until the crazy eyes popped out and captain stubing was standing beside me welcoming the latest celebrity guest.
the obvious expectations were the tears that came as i rolled into marysville and saw the prison for the first time. wow. it’s a real place. in the middle of nowhere. and boobah is there– with no freedom.
another feeling i expected was nervousness– when we went through security and talked to the guard i said “yes, sir/ sorry, sir” like 3 million times in 2 minutes.
he finally said, “what are you sorry for?”
and, i was all, “i don’t know! i’m just nervous and i want to get in there to her.”
(insert me in a slightly cool “mom”ensemble with fidgety hands and just a touch of crazy eyes)
note: this behavior is NOT the best when entering the prison system– i’m pretty sure they flagged me and kept a close eye on me the entire visit.
i also knew i was gonna be excited to see boobah– i mean come on, it’s been a year– this is a no brainer. i actually squeaked when she walked in. i let out a loud, high-pitched squeak, and kinda did a spastic dance in my chair, and then we got to hug– it didn’t last nearly long enough. ahhhhhhhhhh…. so good to see her face.
but, what came next really brought out my cruise director tendencies, and i truly didn’t see it coming. boobah started talking about her hopes for her future– where she would like to live once her time is served, who she wants to be with, what she would like to do. and, none of it looked like i wanted.
that’s when my insides started getting all antsy-like. i could actually feel my, julie, cruise director, self start pulling out the clipboard.
clearly, boobah was WAY off track.
this was totally in my head
in my head the love boat theme started to play, and i was convinced she needed my guidance. she just needed to listen to my directions and stay on my course and all would be right with the world.
i know. i’m slightly not right.
i admit it was a HUGE internal struggle NOT to cruise direct. i just listened and probably looked completely miserable, but i got through the visit just saying i wanted nothing but the absolute best for her future and i was here and committed to help her any way she needed.
this would be a happy ending IF i wasn’t so inclined to pull out the crazy eyes.
that’s right homeskillets, i blame it all on the eye balls– i got home and wrote not 1, not 2 but 3 letters explaining how boobah should live her life the way i see it. I KNOW — total crazy. complete loony.
thankfully God is FULL of grace and is working on my crazy-eyed, cruise directing ways, and i have sent apology letters and cards– i am nothing if not thorough in my nuttiness.
the beautiful thing about growing up in Christ is these fits don’t last quite as long as they used to, and i am quick to admit that the clipboard is just too much power for this ‘skillet.
seriously, who am i kidding?
once my crazy eyes have gone back to their natural state, i UNDERSTAND boobah is in God’s hands– not mine. i UNDERSTAND He has a plan that i cannot see. i UNDERSTAND the Lord loves her more than i ever could.
I UNDERSTAND God is the ultimate cruise director.
sometimes i just forget– because i happen to be a PEOPLE too.