uhmmmmmmmm… seven miles this past saturday.
yeah. about that.
i’ve been debating how much to share about my awesome experience this saturday. i’ve finally decided i’m gonna tell it all– no hiding. i warn you all– it was not pretty and down-right gut wrenching.
here. we. go.
the morning started out with a lot of prep time– for me, this run was serious business. i looked at it as my “gateway run”. in my mind there are 2 groups of runners– the “leisurely jogging for no reason in particular” crowd and the “i’ve gotten a taste of the endorphin rush and it’s AWESOME” crowd. the first group can stop at any time– running isn’t a big part of their life and they really don’t see what all the fuss is about.
the other crowd has had a hit of the good stuff– endorphins– and there’s no going back. this crowd has gotten over the hump of the first real “hard” run and reaped the benefits of the runner’s rush. this crowd can talk themselves into any distance because they know the beauty of endorphins. (this is how i explain the insanity that is marathon running– because signing up willingly to run 26.2 miles is not sane behavior. at. all.)
so, for me seven miles was the gateway mileage to see if i could be hardcore– and, i was gonna prepare for ultimate success.
i first prepped the feet. blisters were not going to take me down. i had been told moisture was the enemy– and talcum powder was the key. but, i took it one step further and bought MEDICATED foot powder. that’s right– menthol in my socks. seemed smart at the time of purchase. i filled my shoes and my socks with so much powder i produced a little puff of smoke with each step. (this. was. awesome. — it was like walking around with my own personal smoke machine. i started singing a groovy theme song to round out the show)
next came the tunes. i was not gonna be taken down by bad music– or, the annoying, bouncing wire that runs from my ear buds to my mp3 player.
that wire has been my nemesis from day one. i’ve had it bouncing in the front– only to pull on it with my wildly swinging arms while attempting to beat tiny humans riding in strollers.
this resulted in flying earbuds and other failures i’d rather not discuss.
i’ve also tried the bouncing wire in the back– which just felt like some one trying to get my attention by tapping me on the back for an hour. (very. not. pleasant.) i decided the plan of attack for my hardcore run would be an under-the-shirt, behind-the-back method with music that would be just hyper enough to keep me distracted from the pain i was sure to feel.
finally i gathered my water bottle (i learned to open it. holla) and some freaky jelly beans my wonderful homeskillet said i needed to chew at about 45 minutes into the run. this sounded weird and hardcore– which made me think, “wooooo hooooo!”– i am ready for the run that is gonna bump me up to “awesome”.
i start running, and everything goes great.
i pass a baby-mama with a stroller, a girl on a scooter, and an old man walking a dog.
then, about 2 1/2 miles into the run something happened i hope NEVER happens again. my stomach begins to rumble– in an uncomfortable manner that means something serious is going on in my belly.
i continue to run.
i take in my surroundings– trees on one side, creek on the other.
this is not good.
i see my skillets up ahead, but they’re too far away to hear me if i yell. i can’t go forward. i have to turn back. i try running back, but my stomach continues to get worse and worse– at one point i get shivers and beads of sweat on my upper lip. and in my ear i hear outkast singing, “heeeeey yay yah, HEY yah.”– this is now THE most annoying song on the planet, and it actually makes the pain worse.
in the meantime my feet are tingling more and more as the sweat from the run triggers the menthol powder. i am trying to make it out with my dignity in tact– with pasty, tingling feet throwing up puffs of smoke while my stomach screams louder and louder with no relief in sight. (yeah, i’m awesome and hardcore)
this is when i dub the 2 1/2 mile struggle back to my car– the trail of fear.
i was in trouble– and, i prayed the entire way– please LORD do NOT let this happen in front of that baby. (insert diaper joke here)
i survived the trail of fear– only to face a sick and twisted plot that involved every person in the world being on the road and driving as slow as humanly possible the entire 5 mile stretch to my front door.
the drive almost did me in– i felt pain i have not experienced since delivering thing 1 and thing 2.
and, just when i thought it couldn’t get any more traumatic and distressing– i experienced an all-new level of discomfort when i had to slow down for SPEED BUMPS– at this point i scream, “KILL ME NOW!”
surprisingly, i did not die.
i made it home, ran inside– and that’s when my hardcore prep foiled me for the last time– i’ll just say my strategic under-the-shirt, behind-the-back placement was not the best arrangement for my immediate needs.
if i had to sum up this experience–i’d have to say it was totally not how i imagined my first “runner’s rush”.
i admit at times i did feel a rush of something– but i’m pretty sure it wasn’t endorphins.