shaved head and stuff

so.  my hair.

hair today....

i shaved it allllll off.  yeah i did!!

here’s the deal.  my hair was coming out in handfuls since my second chemo treatment, and i have an obsessive personality, to a point.

so, hair loss + a bit of o.c.d = me constantly raking my hands through my hair, wondering how MUCH would fall out the next time i shampooed.  then, when i actually DID shower i would wash and re-wash my hair until the water ran cold, watching my hair clog the drain.  i’d clean that mess up, and move on to blow-drying my hair, which took longer than usual, because i’d have to stop and clean out the sink full of hair.  fun times.

gross hair nest

5 days.  that’s all i could take.   it was juuuuuuust long enough to make me snap.  i called the hubby into our bathroom and held out my hands filled with a nest of hair, and said, “i’m ready to let this go.”

my heart was pounding, i was nauseated and jittery just thinking about what this statement MEANT.  i had been recovering from an unfortunate mullet for more than a year and had just grown my hair long enough to get it into tiny dog-ears.  i did NOT want to lose my hair.  i did NOT want to do this.

but, i hated the alternative even more– letting my hair loss become my focus.  letting the number of hair follicles on my head determine if i was happy or sad.  seriously, how lame is THAT.

i can get fixed on how i look very fast, homeskillets.

remember, i’m the girl that rocks a gimpy arm and leg.   i’m the girl that battles both acne and wrinkles on a month-to-month basis.   i have my issues, real or imagined, and i know my mind can become a place of nasty with a quickness.

i truly love who i am.  i love how God made me.  it’s taken me a long time to not operate out of a place of protection, and to not put my worth in other’s opinion of me.  so, i wasn’t gonna let hair or the lack of hair get me tangled up–(get it– hair/tangled?!  super cheesy perfection)– no matter how scary shaving my head seemed.

the hubby was on board, and we wanted to make sure we included thing 1 and thing 2.  i explained that the cancer-fighting medicine was working really well, one of the ways we could tell was because my hair was coming out, and since it was happening anyway, i had decided to shave my head.

i could tell this was a lot to take in.  so,  i said,

“the enemy can use a simple thing like hair to distract me from what God has done– we found the tumor early, i had it removed, and He has brought so many people around us while we walk through this step.  i can either focus on the loss of my hair or focus on God’s goodness and provision.  i choose God. “

i don’t know if they fully understood, but i pray years from now, when life hits hard, they’ll l have this moment to help them decide to choose God, too.

through sickness and in health...

it was time.  the clippers were ready.  and, there was no turning back.  i was soooooooo scared.  thankfully, an awesome ‘skillet brought a cupcake and a bottle of wine.  she documented the event, and cheered me on.

my hubby was amazing. truly.  he was so sweet, so gentle, and very loving through the whole sheering process.  i love the picture of him working on my fade… awesome.  i didn’t realize how intimate a process it would be.  i’m so glad it was a quiet moment with a wonderful sista friend and my man.

the whole process took about 20 minutes.  more than a years worth of awkward hair stages– gone, in 20 minutes.

seriously.

i went to the bathroom and got the first glimpse of my melon.

my head felt so light i thought it might float right off my body.  i saw my brother’s face staring back at me, in drag.

it. was. freaky.

after the initial shock,  i felt totally rockin’.

hardcore. to. the. max.

sweet freedom

and, free.

free from the fear of what could happen.

free to focus on the GREAT moments and people all around me.

free to focus on the good days.

God has used a simple hairdo to give me more freedom and strength for the 10 more chemo treatments ahead–  which, for me,  has put a whole new spin on Philippians 4:13:

i can ‘do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

(get it– hairdo/’do?!  i kill me!!)

baby, i was born to run…

Oh honey, tramps like us
baby we were born to run

Come on with me, tramps like us
baby we were born to run

Ru-uh-uh-un
Mm-mm-mm-mm

bring on the pain

that’s right, homeskillets–  it’s time to start training for the half marathon.

it’s time to bring the pain for a t-shirt.

it’s time for the blisters.

and the tears.

and the trail.

and the possible potty mishap!

it’s time.  to RUN. 

and, to teach the road who’s BOSS….

Oh honey, tramps like us
baby we were born to run

Come on with me, tramps like us
baby we were born to run

Ru-uh-uh-un
Mm-mm-mm-mm
Uh-uh-uh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Ru-uh-uh-uh-un
Mm-mm-mm-mm
Whoa-oh-oh-oh
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
Ru-uh-uh-un

you’re a people, i’m a people

soooooooooooooo surprise, surprise–  life is hard.

and, i’ve finally figured out what makes it so hard– PEOPLE.

i am realizing more and more i have no control over the response of others.  i can not make ANYONE do ANYTHING.

darn it!

why won't anyone let me lead?!

this totally bugs me to no end because i think i’d make an awesome cruise director– like julie on the love boat.

i’d be all– “here are directions to the lido deck where you’ll find rest, relaxation, and scott baio making out with kristy mcnichol, but to get there you really need to walk through your junk first.  i know some excellent activities that can get you started such as, admitting you need help, communication, and being open to change– of course, most of these take place on the poop deck.”

are you ready to be a better passenger and enjoy your trip?   are you?   ARE YOU??  well then,  just listen to me okay… OKAY??!

(insert me in an awesome 80’s ensemble with a white-knuckle grip on my clipboard and crazy eyes)

me. with crazy eyes. holla.

i believe i can fix EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY–  i want to take action,  move toward change,  address messy issues head on.  unfortunately, PEOPLE get in my way.

darn it!

when this happens i’m left with frustration, anger, and out-of-control crazy eyes.

clearly, there is something wrong with this picture.  clearly, being in charge is not a good plan for me.  clearly.

i have to say–   God gave me an awesome set of crazy eyes as a clear indicator of my limited power.   whenever i get to feeling a little too big for my britches those eyes seem to pop out like a done turkey dinner.   HOLLA!

the most recent set of crazy eyes actually happened during my visit with boobah.  i was hoping for a certain type of visit.  i guess after a year of letters and missing her i had a few expectations some i was conscious of– and, some i had no clue i was feeling until the crazy eyes popped out and captain stubing was standing beside me welcoming the latest celebrity guest.

the obvious expectations were the tears that came as i rolled into marysville and saw the prison for the first time.  wow.  it’s a real place.  in the middle of nowhere.  and boobah is there–  with no freedom.

another feeling i expected was nervousness–  when we went through security and talked to the guard i said “yes, sir/ sorry, sir” like 3 million times in 2 minutes.

he finally said, “what are you sorry for?”

and, i was all, “i don’t know!  i’m just nervous and i want to get in there to her.”

(insert me in a slightly cool “mom”ensemble with fidgety hands and just a touch of crazy eyes)

note:  this behavior is NOT the best when entering the prison system– i’m pretty sure they flagged me and kept a close eye on me the entire visit.

i also knew i was gonna be excited to see boobah– i mean come on, it’s been a year– this is a no brainer.  i actually squeaked when she walked in.  i let out a loud, high-pitched squeak, and kinda did a spastic dance in my chair, and then we got to hug– it didn’t last nearly long enough.  ahhhhhhhhhh…. so good to see her face.

but, what came next really brought out my cruise director tendencies, and i truly didn’t see it coming.  boobah started talking about her hopes for her future–  where she would like to live once her time is served,  who she wants to be with, what she would like to do.  and, none of it looked like i wanted.

not.one.bit.

that’s when my insides started getting all antsy-like.  i could actually feel my, julie, cruise director, self start pulling out the clipboard.

clearly, boobah was WAY off track.

this was totally in my head

in my head the love boat theme started to play, and i was convinced she needed my guidance.  she just needed to listen to my directions and stay on my course and all would be right with the world.

i know.  i’m slightly not right.

i admit it was a HUGE internal struggle NOT to cruise direct.  i just listened and probably looked completely miserable, but i got through the visit just saying i wanted nothing but the absolute best for her future and i was here and committed to help her any way she needed.

this would be a happy ending IF i wasn’t so inclined to pull out the crazy eyes.

that’s right homeskillets, i blame it all on the eye balls–  i got home and wrote not 1, not 2 but 3 letters explaining how boobah should live her life the way i see it.  I KNOW — total crazy. complete loony.

thankfully God is FULL of grace and is working on my crazy-eyed, cruise directing ways, and i have sent apology letters and cards– i am nothing if not thorough in my nuttiness.

the beautiful thing about growing up in Christ is these fits don’t last quite as long as they used to, and i am quick to admit that the clipboard is just too much power for this ‘skillet.

seriously, who am i kidding?

once my crazy eyes have gone back to their natural state,  i UNDERSTAND boobah is in God’s hands– not mine.  i UNDERSTAND He has a plan that i cannot see.  i UNDERSTAND the Lord loves her more than i ever could.

I UNDERSTAND God is the ultimate cruise director.

sometimes i just forget– because i happen to be a PEOPLE too.

darn it!

the day of turkey and pumpkin pie is upon us…

 

here's the word-- tom's a bird!!!!

and with said day about a week away i feel it’s appropriate to make a list of some of the things i’m thankful for:

1. 

   we are all made for a certain time and purpose.

   i am thankful for vacuums, washing machines, in-door plumbing, and central heat and air.  i took a bible study last summer on the book of Esther and i came away KNOWING each of us is born at the appropriate time to MAKE A DIFFERENCE in our world–  still not sure what my role for Christ looks like, but God knew i’d need some plumbing and air conditioning to get the job done.  pioneer woman i am not.  can i get a HOLLA??!!

2. i am thankful for random moments of clarity during my stint as a mommy.  most of the time i have no idea what i’m doing and i’m amazed that i’ve kept 2 helpless humans alive for 7 and 3 1/2 year respectively (with the help of a wonderful wingman, of course)–  but, there are brief moments when God clears away my self-centered fog and shows me HOW BLESSED i am.  He has allowed me the opportunity to encourage and love 2 awesome boys, and He covers my mistakes by reminding me i’m not suppose to do this thing called “motherhood” exactly right— because if i did my boys wouldn’t need HIM.

3. 

   worth the pain

   i am thankful for running, super-fit ‘skillets, mile markers, stinky shoes, weird trail people, and a finish line.  i completed a half marathon in october, and i am so glad i did!  it was the most taxing thing i’ve ever willingly put my body through–  i mean i VOLUNTARILY ran a very long way for a t-shirt.  that.ain’t.right. but, i learned so much just by getting up and putting one foot in front of the other– i learned  i am only as strong as i believe i am,  i’m only as capable as i believe i am, and the Lord is always with me cheering me on.  i also learned i’m a very, very, very slooooooow ‘skillet.  HOLLA!!

4. i am thankful for a super bad haircut–  a haircut SOOOOOOO bad  it sent me into a funk.  that’s right.  the hairs on my head were cut into an unflattering fashion recently–  and, this upset my delicate nature.  that’s how deep i am.  jealous? here’s the thing–  bad haircuts have happened in the past, but this one really got to me.  i thought i clearly communicated the hair style  i wanted, but walked out of the salon looking

   

   picture these bangs with a carol brady flip... awesome.

   like a cross between jim carrey in dumb and dumber and carol brady from the brady bunch—  surprisingly, not a good look for me.  i left  feeling unattractive–  and, more importantly out of control— that scared me.   i realized i have control over nothing—  not even the hairs on my head.   i say i get this.   i say i believe and trust in The One who knows the number of hairs on my head and holds me in the palm of His hand–  but, it took an unfortunate mullet to make me understand there are areas in my life  I haven’t fully given over to Christ. clearly, this homeskillet has a lot to learn–   i’m very thankful my teacher is patient!

back and ready to dance!

it's been tooooooo long

soooooooooooooooo.

i’ve been away for a while.

since my last post–   i’ve had a personal melt-down and a computer malfunction–  both scenarios  really put a kink in my creative flow.

oh yeah! i'm dancin'!!!!

but now–  I’M BACK and ready to rock this!! (totally doing an off-beat happy dance in my chair)

my plan is to post every monday and wednesday.

HOLLA HOMESKILLETS!!!!!!

let’s DO this!

“freaky me” friday

i like cookies, but i’m not a fan of milk… i am a mystery wrapped in an enigma.

holla.

the happy hour phenomenon

so.  this saturday i ran 4 miles.

do whatcha gotta do

i really wish i could have ran with my super-fit skillets–  they participated in a 10k.  but, due to financial difficulties–  i had to sit out.

a morning with no skillets equaled putting on my big girl panties, and heading out for a solo run.  the good news– i’m getting better with the idea of being solo on the trail.

(LOOK!  i’m maturing and stuff!)

since i was footloose and skillet-free– i got up a little later than usual, and i was surprised at the difference an hour makes in the peeps partaking of the trail.

super cool phenom!

i have decided to call it the happy hour phenomenon.

first of all– everyone is AWAKE (evidently an extra hour of sleep makes a big difference when it comes to this).  i bet they totally had a cup of coffee before leaving the house.  they definitely looked caffienated.

just one of the super slow pairs i smoked

secondly– no one walks alone during happy hour. i saw husbands and wives, young, peppy cheerleaders, old friends, new friends, dogs and their humans– all different ages, and sizes.

these peeps were just out on a beautiful morning–  sharing time and moving their bodies.  there was definitely less walking and more talking going on.

and, to my delight–  i found when caffeinated people pair up and talk–  their gabbing slows them down immensely and i can pass them ALL.

i felt very cool– like a total runner.

numero trois —  EVERYONE is really chipper during happy hour! every peep i passed had time to say, “holla”,  wave, or give the tiny head nod that is also acceptable passing etiquette on the trail.  it was great to have so much interaction!

i mean, don’t get me wrong–   i’ve got my skillets that throw out an occasional “ooo OOO”—  but on the whole everyone is doin’ their thing.  tryin’ to reach their goal.  they’re serious.  the trail is serious.

slow and steady-- enjoys the journey

the happy hour peeps are MUCH more relaxed. in all honesty–   fitness goals didn’t seem high on their agenda–  neither was exertion or sweat.

from what i saw– these peeps were pretty much wandering around with water bottles with no real purpose or plan–  and, they were totally okay with that.  they were truly just in the moment, and really proud of the fact they had decided to start their day in the sunshine– moving.

it made me realize– i might finish the race faster, but the happy hour crowd has something i’ve been missing since i started running.

joy in the moment.

by slowing down and sharing their lives– the happy hour peeps understand what’s GREAT about the trail– it’s the journey.

nerd it up

“rock the dork.”

“nerd it up.”

“geek it out.”

how ever i say it.. the sentiment stays the same.

i’m gonna BE me.

i’m gonna DO me.

i will not worry what others say (or don’t say), do (or don’t do), or think.

rock them with pride

i say, “whatever you do, homeskillets– stay true to the nerd in you.”

holla!

good stuff

really big shooooooo

so.  the emmys.  good stuff.

jimmy fallon and tina fey are my kind of peeps.

i’ve known this for a while, but last night’s emmy opener sealed the deal.  we could definitely be homeskillets.

take a look at this and try not to be happy:

The Glee Cast in the 2010 Emmy Awards Opening Skit – Video – Glee.

jimmy did a great job keeping the night light and fresh.

i loved seeing coco in the audience .  (he looked so old!)  and,  jimmy–  the joke was perfectly timed.

cheeky

i loved jon hamm, betty white, neil patrick harris, ricky gervais, and joel mchale the mostest.

i was sad steve carell didn’t win for the office.  really?  this is it, people.  no more michael scott. carell was robbed.

holla!

i was happy jane lynch did win for the most awesome character on the planet–

SUE SYLVESTER.

not good

i thought lauren graham needed a brush and a new dress.  bless.

i thought tina fey was hilarious when kyra sedgwick asked her to hold her emmy.  really? really.

and,  i thought kevin bacon looked exactly the same.  i think he sleeps in an oxygen chamber like bubbles the chimp.

waiting for me

so.   i finished 9 miles–  and i’m happy to report God gave me just enough strength to have a tear-free experience.

God’s strength came in the form of a shiny, new homeskillet.  she deserves a great big holla for my positive experience.

this new ‘skillet was invited to join our running posse at the last minute–and even though we are strangers–  i have been praying for her to join us since the day training started.

i’m used to my super-fit ‘skillets being waaaaaay out in front of me–  and at times i lose sight of them on the trail.  this is expected–  they are faster. watching them move on without me has been a challenge, but i know they’re always waiting for me at the end of the run.

at the end i have my ‘skillets–  but in the middle there’s just me.

alone.

ALL ALONE.

it’s kinda not fun running alone.

see–  i’m a girl who loooooves her some ‘skillet time–  talking to my girls gives me energy.

so.  i’ve been praying for God to bring someone alongside me–

“i can’t do this alone, Lord.  i NEED to talk, Lord.  i mean, have you met me!!??   of course you have–  you made me this way.  you know what i need.

what i need is to be in bed.

it’s early, LORD.   sooooooo stinkin’ early in the a.m. — i mean really.   dear Lord.  i haven’t had coffee or a sugary substance of any kind.  sweet Lord. could you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help a sista out–  and, throw a slow ‘skillet my way?”

God heard my selfish plea, and He could have answered at any time.

i forget sometimes....

but,  He waited for me to understand and appreciate the TRUTH–   if i’m His,  i’m never alone.

every time i’ve stepped foot on the trail–  He’s been there.

i’ve shared moments with Him these past weeks that have made me KNOW He is real.  through solitude and pain–  He prepared my heart and my eyes to see Him more and more clearly.

and, only after i had time to get closer to Him–  did He answer my prayer.

He brought me a new ‘skillet that runs my speed,  stays at my tempo, and matches my stride.   just like God’s timing– it’s a perfect fit.

AND I LOVE HIM FOR THAT! (throwing up God-lovin’ *spirit sprinkles*)

i believe He waited to bring this sweet, slow-paced skillet into the mix for HIS GLORY.

i see this new ‘skillet as a gift — like He’s  saying,  “i see you.  i love you.  and i am here with you.”

here’s the thing.

if this homeskillet had joined us at the beginning of our training session– i would have appreciated her.  i would have been grateful for a new friend.  grateful for a running partner.  grateful for someone to make the mornings easier for me.

but, where’s God in that scenario?

well.  of course, He’s still there– i just would have been too blind and too focused on myself to see Him.  to appreciate Him.  to love Him for loving me.

having this blessing of a girl join our group after the devastating run i had last week makes me appreciate and love God more.

with each new day and with each new challenge i understand and BELIEVE:

He wants to help me through the rough spots.

He wants to give me strength.

He wants to heal my hurts.

He’s just waiting for me.

and, step by step.

at a slow-‘skillet pace– i know i’m getting closer to Him.

waiting for me...