everyday bites
rocks hurt
they poke
they prod
rocks tear
tender skin
revealing tissue, muscle
life
my skin is shredded
by precancerous polyps
by bear’s stutter
by the word WAIT
rocks make me
jump skip leap
from fear to fear to fear
EACH TIME
landing on a jagged edge
i hate rocks
i beg for relief
i beg for comfort
i beg God
STANDING FIRM
on the rocks
i wait for HIM
by a broken homeskillet
the first glimpse of haiti was beautiful– beach, mountains, gorgeous clouds. the land looked untouched– full of promise and potential.
then the city was underneath us– tents smushed together, scattered among very small plots of grassy area. the poverty and NEED jumped right off the ground into my heart as i looked out my plane window.
these questions rolled in my head as the wheels of the plane hit the ground. no turning back. for better or for worse i was in haiti.
i said a short, silent prayer– “Lord, help me see you.”
the airport was overwhelmingly hot, simple, dirty, unwelcoming. my senses were on alert trying to take everything in. we walked through a narrow glass hallway that separates the outgoing flights from the incoming ones, down a broken escalator, past a few men with stony faces playing music for tips. in that short walk i felt a million things– fear of the unknown, sadness for the conditions, uneasiness because of the unwelcome looks i felt, embarrassment for the amount of STUFF i had with me. my arm was actually aching from the carry-on i had with me and i still needed to pick up my luggage.
i said a short, silent (and a little more desperate) prayer– “Lord, please let me see you.”
we made it through customs, gathered our things, and moved in groups of two or three outdoor to find our ride. the heat and humidity hit me first, then the calling started–
i can’t even lie– i was in sensory overload in about 2.1 seconds.
i didn’t know where to go, who to trust, or how to say “slow your roll” in creole.
i.was.vulnerable.
and, just like that. with one short walk.
God began answering my prayers by stripping me down– goodbye sense of security, goodbye control, goodbye ability to communicate with just words!!!
by the time we made it to the bus, i realized God wasn’t gonna let me hide, homeskillets.
He wanted, and got, my FULL attention the entire trip. i had nothing normal to cling to– i had ONLY Him to rely on.
and He totally had my heart.
broken.
i cannot put into words the heartbreak i experienced as we drove through port au prince. no smiles, no laughter on the faces we passed– just the mark of hard-fought life. the people are beautiful, but their faces are as hard as stone. they live surrounded by rotted food, crumbled buildings, human waste and extreme filth– yet, there are babies and children there naked, playing, living. God showed me LIFE continues and it has nothing to do with convenience or comfort and everything to do with love, perseverance, and hope.
i started in on the ugly cry flat out from the get go, and in that moment when God had my full attention and my heart was completely ripped to shreds , i knew my Lord HAD to be real because if He isn’t i couldn’t see this level of depravity and be able to bear it. without a faith in His redeeming love…
how do i put into words how MUCH six days changed my heart?
how do i share:
the group— feeling displaced. what is my purpose? what do i have to contribute?
the place— how can one believe in God in this level of desolation? my response– how can i NOT?
the people— choosing to live instead of just exist, hearts for God and a faith i long for, kindness and hope to share.
the kids— God heard my prayers, knew what i needed, and arranged each moment.
the quiet moments— the mountainside, the breeze, holding hands, smiles, constant prayers, new friendships.
the tears— the first glimpse, the shoe shine, how great thou art, the market place, feeling misunderstood, the orphanages.
the laughter— dancing on bug spray, toe jam, dancing in a box, card games-nnnnnnnUKE, the desperate rooster, giving the Lord praise (oooOOOO), newsflash– i’m competitive!
the relationships — they’re messy, must be intentional, take time, moments, opportunities.
my heart— God sees it even if no one else does. willing to grow. no mission except to see God, hear God, do the work of God.
i think i want to start to share my haitian journey by being bold. i am gonna say i believe there is a God. i believe He did send his son, Jesus, to die for our sins, and i believe Jesus did conquer the grave. now, these entries will have my normal take on life — the silly, the sad, the serious– but, i cannot truly honor the experience i had if i don’t first and foremost say i believe the gospel is REAL and worth living for.
maybe me writing this down doesn’t seem “bold” to some, but to a recovering “people-pleaser” like me this is huge.
my short time in haiti taught me that i can either be lulled to sleep by the conveniences and comforts i have here at home, or i can choose to see life stripped of the bare basics and ask tough questions of God.
it may take me a while to sort through all my thoughts, emotions, and God lessons. i know that’s okay. in time, i’ll be able to get it all down.
i hope i NEVER stop getting God moments from this amazing experience, but there is one thing i HAVE to say before i get into all my “stuff”– God is in haiti, and the faith of the haitians taught me i don’t have to be afraid of the sadness and strife of life because God is in it. their unwavering love for God leaves me longing for a closer relationship with my savior.
and here’s the kicker, homeskillets– all i have to do is ask.
so. i finished 9 miles– and i’m happy to report God gave me just enough strength to have a tear-free experience.
God’s strength came in the form of a shiny, new homeskillet. she deserves a great big holla for my positive experience.
this new ‘skillet was invited to join our running posse at the last minute–and even though we are strangers– i have been praying for her to join us since the day training started.
i’m used to my super-fit ‘skillets being waaaaaay out in front of me– and at times i lose sight of them on the trail. this is expected– they are faster. watching them move on without me has been a challenge, but i know they’re always waiting for me at the end of the run.
at the end i have my ‘skillets– but in the middle there’s just me.
alone.
ALL ALONE.
it’s kinda not fun running alone.
see– i’m a girl who loooooves her some ‘skillet time– talking to my girls gives me energy.
so. i’ve been praying for God to bring someone alongside me–
“i can’t do this alone, Lord. i NEED to talk, Lord. i mean, have you met me!!?? of course you have– you made me this way. you know what i need.
what i need is to be in bed.
it’s early, LORD. sooooooo stinkin’ early in the a.m. — i mean really. dear Lord. i haven’t had coffee or a sugary substance of any kind. sweet Lord. could you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help a sista out– and, throw a slow ‘skillet my way?”
God heard my selfish plea, and He could have answered at any time.
but, He waited for me to understand and appreciate the TRUTH– if i’m His, i’m never alone.
every time i’ve stepped foot on the trail– He’s been there.
i’ve shared moments with Him these past weeks that have made me KNOW He is real. through solitude and pain– He prepared my heart and my eyes to see Him more and more clearly.
and, only after i had time to get closer to Him– did He answer my prayer.
He brought me a new ‘skillet that runs my speed, stays at my tempo, and matches my stride. just like God’s timing– it’s a perfect fit.
AND I LOVE HIM FOR THAT! (throwing up God-lovin’ *spirit sprinkles*)
i believe He waited to bring this sweet, slow-paced skillet into the mix for HIS GLORY.
i see this new ‘skillet as a gift — like He’s saying, “i see you. i love you. and i am here with you.”
here’s the thing.
if this homeskillet had joined us at the beginning of our training session– i would have appreciated her. i would have been grateful for a new friend. grateful for a running partner. grateful for someone to make the mornings easier for me.
but, where’s God in that scenario?
well. of course, He’s still there– i just would have been too blind and too focused on myself to see Him. to appreciate Him. to love Him for loving me.
having this blessing of a girl join our group after the devastating run i had last week makes me appreciate and love God more.
with each new day and with each new challenge i understand and BELIEVE:
He wants to help me through the rough spots.
He wants to give me strength.
He wants to heal my hurts.
He’s just waiting for me.
and, step by step.
at a slow-‘skillet pace– i know i’m getting closer to Him.
i remember when i was little, my favorite story was The Monster at the End of This Book— starring furry, lovable grover from sesame street. this book was a true walk through a REAL fear– when i was 5. and i admit, i didn’t want to turn the page and get to the end, but i had to. i. just. had. to.
with each new page and the closer i got to the end– the more my heart raced. and there was grover begging me not to do it– begging me to just stop in my tracks. close the book. and move on to safer things. but, that didn’t seem like an option– even at 5– i knew i had to face my fear to get past it.
grover tried reasoning with me– “don’t you see??”, he’d say– with as much patience and calm as he could muster in this frightening situation, “when you turn the page– you get closer to the end of this book– AND, THERE’S A MONSTER AT THE END OF THIS BOOK!!!!” (his little arms flying and his voice rocketing to new, frantic heights).
he tried barring the way with bricks and ropes. he even tried begging.
nothing could stop me– i kept moving forward– i HAD to face this fear.
finally, there was only one page left– grover was not happy– he was down-right scared— and so was i.
but, there was a bigger part of me that just. couldn’t. wait. to see how the story would end…
you gotta get the book to find out for yourselves– this is a must read for homeskillets of any age!!
but, by thinking about this innocent book and how it helped me bravely– and with humor– face down fear, i started thinking about THE WORD and how God wants me to respond when i’m afraid.
what if i faced my grown-up fears with as much excitement as i did when i was 5– looking forward to what the Lord has to teach me.
what if i tackled my problems as quickly i turned those pages– by seeking Him through His word and prayer. and, what if i never let fear become a brick wall or ropes that could tie me down– because NOW i walk by faith in what Christ has done in me.
2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.”
i’m grateful a lovable, furry monster and God have taught me walking away from scary situations only leaves you afraid.
and, I DO NOT HAVE A SPIRIT OF FEAR— i walk with a confident assurance in things i cannot see, and i BELIEVE that’s down-right SUPER— grover.
this homeskillet life 