i am changed

cancer sucks.  it just does.  the diagnosis took something from me, but i didn’t realize it until i was through with treatment, and i had to have a check up.  that’s when i knew.

life is different now.

life will have a cloud.  an unknown. the unknown is there for everyone, but i now know mine by name and have a standing yearly appointment to find out if it is back.  this is when i realized cancer had taken my invincibility away.  now, being invincible is a myth.  we all are moving closer to the end daily, but i was young and still blissfully ignoring the truth of death, age, the end.  i can’t ignore it anymore.

messy but worth iti can’t ignore it anymore.

i believe i’m working my way through the five stages of grief.  i’ve been grieving the girl i was.  the girl that had a false control over her future life and plans.  i think i’ve been doing this from the day i received my diagnosis.

the first step for me came in the form of bargaining.  i unconsciously made a deal with God.  i’d walk cancer as a good work set before me before the creation of the world.  i know God did not and does not give me or anyone else cancer, but i believe in every situation i face in life i have two choices: live for myself or live for the glory of God.  the first option will only lead me to anger, heartbreak, loneliness, isolation. (i say this out of having to make this choice when my mother walked through cancer, when our poor financial decisions led to foreclosure and bankruptcy, when my boobah went to prison for two years after a bad choice)  when my diagnosis came i wasn’t new to heartache or choosing God.  i knew my choice of His glory would leave me alive, peace-filled, aware of His love, open to sharing His love with others.  this was an easy choice. i just didn’t know i had put a contingency onto my choosing God.  but, i did.  i didn’t realize i had made a deal to walk cancer well IF He promised it would never happen again.  i didn’t know this bargain was on the table until six months after chemo.  that was my first scheduled colonoscopy.  and, there it was, the doctor found a fast-growing pre-cancerous polyp that was ready to do it’s thing.  i was angry.  i yelled at God.  I WALKED IT WELL!!!

i know in my head God is not a god of performance-based blessing.  He loves me no matter what path i choose because when He looks at me He sees His Son.  but, i am a performance based person.  i am hard on myself and those i love.  i forgot that God is not like me.  and, i was broken.  i had to ask forgiveness, but it took me five months to turn back to the Lord.  i never lost faith in Christ, i just did not want to talk to Him.

i have to fill in a time gap between finishing chemo and my first checkup.  for the eight months between, i lived in the beautiful state of denial.  i finished chemo and immediately hit the gym.  it was over.  it was behind me.  no more cancer girl.  i was free, and i was a total chemo rockstar.  i missed a doctor’s appointment during this time because i couldn’t stand the chemo smell in the lobby.  i could taste the stuff as soon as i walked in the door.  i was well.  goodbye.  it was not nice knowin’ ya.  my denial hit the wall quick and hard when i heard the doctor recommend the removal of my colon and my uterus because the pre-cancerous polyp was there so soon after treatment.

cancer sucks

like i said, i was angry.  i tried to go back into denial, but life wouldn’t let me.  everything and everyone pushed my brain back to the unknown.  i started getting judgmental of the girls i worked out with when they complained about a sliver of fat that bothered them while i was there to fight off cancer.  i slipped into a depression.  i quit exercising.  i began needing clear expectations for things like bible studies and organized activities.  i sought control through schedules, and i had little sympathy for friends that wanted to share common, every day struggles.  the conversations felt empty to me, and i started asking myself WHAT IS THE POINT? i lost relationships because i was rigid.  i was sad.  i was grieving, but i didn’t know that at the time.  i lost my joy.  i lost myself.  i missed the old me, but she didn’t exist any more.

i am changed

all of this has been my truth for the last two years.  TWO YEARS i’ve lost.

but, i’ve also found some things.  i’ve found healthy boundaries with a few toxic relationships because there is no time in my life for people who don’t want to accept responsibility.  i’ve learned how to say i’m sorry.  i’ve had lots of practice, and i’m really good at it.  i’ve learned that people, schedules, community can’t give me comfort.  i’ve realized i have no control except for my reaction.

i can stop isolating.  i can get help.  i can trust the Lord with my future, cancer or no cancer.  i am accepting my limits.  i am accepting growing older, the idea of not being here forever.  i accept i can’t know the future, and i accept i can’t change it if i could.

hope finds a way

God has been with me every step of the way… pouring truth over me through jonesy, through relationships (both good and bad), through counseling, and through medication.  i’m coming out of grief. i’ve missed my joy.  i’ve missed being confident in how i am made and in WHO made me.  i’ve missed quiet in my brain.  it’s been too loud for too long.  fear is noisy and very draining.

BUT GOD. my prayer is simple.

Dear Lord,

i need more of you and less of me.  bring back the gift of joy.  bring back the gift of being awake, present in my own life.  i confess i’ve wasted time on worry, doubt, anger, fear, rejection.  please forgive my wandering heart.  i’m finished.  i want to celebrate who i am.  I AM CANCER FREE.  I WILL HAVE TOMORROW.  I AM LOVED.  those things are enough to satisfy.

i am a new girl… older, wiser.

i am ready to let go and accept truth.

He’s not finished with me and He will always hold me.  

i am a girl with HOPE.

shaved head and stuff

so.  my hair.

hair today....

i shaved it allllll off.  yeah i did!!

here’s the deal.  my hair was coming out in handfuls since my second chemo treatment, and i have an obsessive personality, to a point.

so, hair loss + a bit of o.c.d = me constantly raking my hands through my hair, wondering how MUCH would fall out the next time i shampooed.  then, when i actually DID shower i would wash and re-wash my hair until the water ran cold, watching my hair clog the drain.  i’d clean that mess up, and move on to blow-drying my hair, which took longer than usual, because i’d have to stop and clean out the sink full of hair.  fun times.

gross hair nest

5 days.  that’s all i could take.   it was juuuuuuust long enough to make me snap.  i called the hubby into our bathroom and held out my hands filled with a nest of hair, and said, “i’m ready to let this go.”

my heart was pounding, i was nauseated and jittery just thinking about what this statement MEANT.  i had been recovering from an unfortunate mullet for more than a year and had just grown my hair long enough to get it into tiny dog-ears.  i did NOT want to lose my hair.  i did NOT want to do this.

but, i hated the alternative even more– letting my hair loss become my focus.  letting the number of hair follicles on my head determine if i was happy or sad.  seriously, how lame is THAT.

i can get fixed on how i look very fast, homeskillets.

remember, i’m the girl that rocks a gimpy arm and leg.   i’m the girl that battles both acne and wrinkles on a month-to-month basis.   i have my issues, real or imagined, and i know my mind can become a place of nasty with a quickness.

i truly love who i am.  i love how God made me.  it’s taken me a long time to not operate out of a place of protection, and to not put my worth in other’s opinion of me.  so, i wasn’t gonna let hair or the lack of hair get me tangled up–(get it– hair/tangled?!  super cheesy perfection)– no matter how scary shaving my head seemed.

the hubby was on board, and we wanted to make sure we included thing 1 and thing 2.  i explained that the cancer-fighting medicine was working really well, one of the ways we could tell was because my hair was coming out, and since it was happening anyway, i had decided to shave my head.

i could tell this was a lot to take in.  so,  i said,

“the enemy can use a simple thing like hair to distract me from what God has done– we found the tumor early, i had it removed, and He has brought so many people around us while we walk through this step.  i can either focus on the loss of my hair or focus on God’s goodness and provision.  i choose God. “

i don’t know if they fully understood, but i pray years from now, when life hits hard, they’ll l have this moment to help them decide to choose God, too.

through sickness and in health...

it was time.  the clippers were ready.  and, there was no turning back.  i was soooooooo scared.  thankfully, an awesome ‘skillet brought a cupcake and a bottle of wine.  she documented the event, and cheered me on.

my hubby was amazing. truly.  he was so sweet, so gentle, and very loving through the whole sheering process.  i love the picture of him working on my fade… awesome.  i didn’t realize how intimate a process it would be.  i’m so glad it was a quiet moment with a wonderful sista friend and my man.

the whole process took about 20 minutes.  more than a years worth of awkward hair stages– gone, in 20 minutes.

seriously.

i went to the bathroom and got the first glimpse of my melon.

my head felt so light i thought it might float right off my body.  i saw my brother’s face staring back at me, in drag.

it. was. freaky.

after the initial shock,  i felt totally rockin’.

hardcore. to. the. max.

sweet freedom

and, free.

free from the fear of what could happen.

free to focus on the GREAT moments and people all around me.

free to focus on the good days.

God has used a simple hairdo to give me more freedom and strength for the 10 more chemo treatments ahead–  which, for me,  has put a whole new spin on Philippians 4:13:

i can ‘do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

(get it– hairdo/’do?!  i kill me!!)

booyah

boy oh boy.

chemo is not fun.  my mouth tastes like metal, my tummy is upset, i’m completely nauseated, my hair is falling out.

but, i keep telling myself i get to choose whether the symptoms will win.

during the first week of chemo, i fought hard.  i had my sister to visit and breaking dawn to watch.  i could not be sick.  it was hard to fight, and it left me wasted.  now, i’m in my second session of chemo, and i decided i would just give in to the sickness.  this has been just as hard!  i don’t like feeling weak.

i.am.wasted.

so, do i get to choose?  i mean, really?  do i?  i fight or give in, and at the end of it all, i’m left spent.  God, i need help.  i obviously can’t do this in my own strength, but submitting entirely makes me feel so far away from You.   where’s the middle ground?

my hair is coming out– and, all i keep thinking is God knows EVERY hair on my head.  He knew this part of my story before the creation of the world.  so, do i get to choose?  God, i need help.  i know that You love me.  please show me Your love.

these are my thoughts today.  this is where my heart is.  and this is how God has answered me:

Sending a virtual “booty bump” your way. Just my way of saying Booyah, girl, you are on my mind!

Booyah baby!!!!

hopes his amazing wife spends the five hours she’s hooked up to that machine today remembering how very, very, very much she’s loved. And that this is but a season. 2nd round of chemo today. Let’s kick this week in the rear and move forward. Extra prayers, everyone?

Wearing my BOOYAH shirt today too! Every time I look down, I’ll say a prayer for my amazing friend.

these are just a handful of comments that have been left on a special facebook page set up by a friend.  i have had dinner delivered to my door every night since chemo.  i have had friends come and sit with me, drop by just to give me a hug,offer to get inked as a sign of solidarity, and send pictures of the word “booyah” on fishing tackle, and written on windows in china.

holla. this too shall pass...

so.  yes.

i DO get to choose– not the symptoms or if they’ll get the best of me, but my God.  the way i feel cannot limit God’s power and love–  each and every person who has loved on me or prayed for my family proves God is bigger than chemo.

i get to choose.

i get to choose if i’ll honor God through the struggle.  i get to choose if i’ll rest in the overwhelming love He’s shown me through my amazing homeskillets.

i.get.to.choose.

and, i choose booyah.

cancer, prison, and a tooth

so.  where do i begin???

i think i’ll begin with a great God moment, that always makes my day better.

to share this coolness, i have to start way back on september 21st.  this is the day i found out i had colon cancer.

yep.

cancer.

dude.  I KNOW. right??!!

so.  there i was all cancered up, when my sweet sister calls from prison.

yep.

prison.

dude. SERIOUSLY.  i know!

and, the conversation goes like this–

me:  “hi, boobah!!  i love you!  miss you!”

boobah:  “hey, sista love!  love and miss you more.  so…. what did you find out?”

me:  “i have cancer.”

boobah:  “really?? well, i lost my front tooth today.”

yep.  go ahead.  re-read it to take it ALL in.

the quick re-cap shows one cancerous sister and one gap-toothed jailbird, or “jail boobah”.

i guess it could be worse.  IT DEFINITELY COULD BE WORSE.

so, i tried consoling her.  i used the old, “well, in some cultures toothless-ness makes women more attractive.”

breakdown by tooth, yo

she wasn’t having any of it, and i realized boobah may not need me to make her feel better.  she may just need me to listen.  so, i asked her how she was feeling… and, this, sweet ‘skillets, is when boobah broke.  finally.  after more than a year of being super strong, my sister was stripped down by a tooth.

and the meltdown went something like this–

boobah:  “i’m pissed!  i’m pissed i got drunk and tried to drive home.  i’m pissed i hurt two other people.  i’m pissed i lost my job.  i’m pissed i’m in prison.  i’m pissed i lost my tooth, and i’m pissed you have cancer!”

me:  “well, then let’s pray… GOD, we’re pissed.  we’re pissed, and we know You’re big enough to hear our anger.  You’re big enough to take our broken hearts.   You promise that guilt and shame do NOT come from You.  So, we refuse to let those feelings stick.  we know You promise to work all things for our good.  so, we choose to trust You with prison, and cancer, and teeth.  we choose to see ourselves as You see us… we are beautiful children of God, and that beauty has nothing to do with how we look, what we’ve done,  where we are,  or what’s inside of us.  we choose hope and faith.  HOLLA!”

i know this might sound upside down, but it was actually GOOD to hear her confess her anger.  God promises confession will be met with mercy and forgiveness, and  i believe this.

sooooooooo, now we fast forward to my visit with boobah just last week–  the week marked my first chemo treatment, and put boobah 5 months away from her release date.

no tooth, no problem!

and, here’s the awesome truth– my sister bounced into the room with the biggest gap-toothed grin i’ve ever seen!!  i.love.this.girl.

to give the best mental picture i can, i have to break down my girl’s appearance:

•     her hair is super, duper short with boy sideburns.  (picture kate gosselin, the prison version)
•    her attire is equivalent to a gas station attendant minus the embroidered name tag
•    her tooth– missing.

i share this just to show how amazing boobah’s spirit is–  she’s living day to day, making the best of her circumstances, without an ounce of femininity or softness in sight.

she. BOUNCED. into.the. room.with. a. HUGE GRIN!!!!

awesome.

as we visited, she asked me how i was–  the truth of it is, i was NOT good.  my first chemo treatment had hit me hard.  i was very sick, and could barely keep my eyes open from fatigue, but there was no way i was missing this visit.

so, i looked at her and said–

me:  “honestly, i don’t want to do this eleven more times.”

boobah: (holding my hand)  “i don’t want to do 5 more months, but we CAN and we WILL.”

gah!!!!!!  she kills me.  in the best way.  i’m so proud of her.

we had a great, awesomely-amazing two day visit–  full of laughing.  LAUGHING.  her smile, her light even brighter after being stripped down.  God is awesome.  He truly took her broken, angry heart and turned it into confidence in something more than how her hair is cut, what clothes she has to wear, or what she physically looks like.  her confidence and beauty come from her heart, and her heart is His.

holla!

this would be enough, but God likes to show off a bit, i think– just to remind me how BIG he is.

boobah has a very close ‘skillet she’s known since high school.  this sweet girl came to visit my sister as soon as the accident happened and calls me to check on boobah’s progress.  this girl also follows me on facebook, so she knows everything that i share there.  wellllll…. this friend, this girl that has been watching and praying from the sideline married a DENTIST.

and, her husband has offered to fix boobah’s tooth, no charge.

this girl is truly boobah’s toothfairy!

super cool 'skillet

yep.

free tooth, yo.

dude.  FO’ REALZ. i know!

that’s all i got.  i mean, i can’t follow a free tooth.