cancer, prison, and a tooth

so.  where do i begin???

i think i’ll begin with a great God moment, that always makes my day better.

to share this coolness, i have to start way back on september 21st.  this is the day i found out i had colon cancer.

yep.

cancer.

dude.  I KNOW. right??!!

so.  there i was all cancered up, when my sweet sister calls from prison.

yep.

prison.

dude. SERIOUSLY.  i know!

and, the conversation goes like this–

me:  “hi, boobah!!  i love you!  miss you!”

boobah:  “hey, sista love!  love and miss you more.  so…. what did you find out?”

me:  “i have cancer.”

boobah:  “really?? well, i lost my front tooth today.”

yep.  go ahead.  re-read it to take it ALL in.

the quick re-cap shows one cancerous sister and one gap-toothed jailbird, or “jail boobah”.

i guess it could be worse.  IT DEFINITELY COULD BE WORSE.

so, i tried consoling her.  i used the old, “well, in some cultures toothless-ness makes women more attractive.”

breakdown by tooth, yo

she wasn’t having any of it, and i realized boobah may not need me to make her feel better.  she may just need me to listen.  so, i asked her how she was feeling… and, this, sweet ‘skillets, is when boobah broke.  finally.  after more than a year of being super strong, my sister was stripped down by a tooth.

and the meltdown went something like this–

boobah:  “i’m pissed!  i’m pissed i got drunk and tried to drive home.  i’m pissed i hurt two other people.  i’m pissed i lost my job.  i’m pissed i’m in prison.  i’m pissed i lost my tooth, and i’m pissed you have cancer!”

me:  “well, then let’s pray… GOD, we’re pissed.  we’re pissed, and we know You’re big enough to hear our anger.  You’re big enough to take our broken hearts.   You promise that guilt and shame do NOT come from You.  So, we refuse to let those feelings stick.  we know You promise to work all things for our good.  so, we choose to trust You with prison, and cancer, and teeth.  we choose to see ourselves as You see us… we are beautiful children of God, and that beauty has nothing to do with how we look, what we’ve done,  where we are,  or what’s inside of us.  we choose hope and faith.  HOLLA!”

i know this might sound upside down, but it was actually GOOD to hear her confess her anger.  God promises confession will be met with mercy and forgiveness, and  i believe this.

sooooooooo, now we fast forward to my visit with boobah just last week–  the week marked my first chemo treatment, and put boobah 5 months away from her release date.

no tooth, no problem!

and, here’s the awesome truth– my sister bounced into the room with the biggest gap-toothed grin i’ve ever seen!!  i.love.this.girl.

to give the best mental picture i can, i have to break down my girl’s appearance:

•     her hair is super, duper short with boy sideburns.  (picture kate gosselin, the prison version)
•    her attire is equivalent to a gas station attendant minus the embroidered name tag
•    her tooth– missing.

i share this just to show how amazing boobah’s spirit is–  she’s living day to day, making the best of her circumstances, without an ounce of femininity or softness in sight.

she. BOUNCED. into.the. room.with. a. HUGE GRIN!!!!

awesome.

as we visited, she asked me how i was–  the truth of it is, i was NOT good.  my first chemo treatment had hit me hard.  i was very sick, and could barely keep my eyes open from fatigue, but there was no way i was missing this visit.

so, i looked at her and said–

me:  “honestly, i don’t want to do this eleven more times.”

boobah: (holding my hand)  “i don’t want to do 5 more months, but we CAN and we WILL.”

gah!!!!!!  she kills me.  in the best way.  i’m so proud of her.

we had a great, awesomely-amazing two day visit–  full of laughing.  LAUGHING.  her smile, her light even brighter after being stripped down.  God is awesome.  He truly took her broken, angry heart and turned it into confidence in something more than how her hair is cut, what clothes she has to wear, or what she physically looks like.  her confidence and beauty come from her heart, and her heart is His.

holla!

this would be enough, but God likes to show off a bit, i think– just to remind me how BIG he is.

boobah has a very close ‘skillet she’s known since high school.  this sweet girl came to visit my sister as soon as the accident happened and calls me to check on boobah’s progress.  this girl also follows me on facebook, so she knows everything that i share there.  wellllll…. this friend, this girl that has been watching and praying from the sideline married a DENTIST.

and, her husband has offered to fix boobah’s tooth, no charge.

this girl is truly boobah’s toothfairy!

super cool 'skillet

yep.

free tooth, yo.

dude.  FO’ REALZ. i know!

that’s all i got.  i mean, i can’t follow a free tooth.

freedom, boobah, and another lesson from haiti

bittersweet holiday

well.  another 4th of july without the boobah has come and gone.  this one was bittersweet. bitter because it was the 2nd july 4th celebration without my sister, but sweet because i know next year at this time she’ll be home!!

erin is on her 2nd year of a 2 year sentence for aggravated vehicular assault.  she caused an accident while driving drunk that seriously injured herself and 2 other people.  since she’s been in prison i’ve wondered how much boobah has allowed God to change her, i’ve wondered how much she’s allowed the reality that life is DIFFERENT now, sink into her heart, and i’ve wondered how often she’s sought God’s will for her life, after her sentence is complete.

this is how i’ve  thought about prison, God, and my sister before the Lord sent me to haiti.

now i know how limited and narrow these thoughts have been.

see.  while i was in Haiti i thought about boobah a lot.  she helped fund my trip by sending me a $25 money order from prison.  before i left for the trip, she sent me letters encouraging me to not be afraid.  she also called me the week before haiti, and the first thing she asked was,  “are you so excited about your trip??!”

how do i show enough gratitude for being loved like that?  how do i thank erin, who has no freedom,  for helping and encouraging me to take a chance–  to spread my wings?  i don’t know.

i just know she blows me away with her awesome heart.  so i thank God for giving it to her—  her heart, her unbreakable spirit, her amazing love. 

THANK YOU, GOD.

i’ll let you in on an obvious truth–  she’s the cooler sister.  i’ve known it for a long time.   and, that’s why i miss her sooooooooo much.

so. there i was in haiti thinking about my sister and how amazing she is to give me this chance to serve.  i mean, He used my boobah– in prison—  to get me where i needed to be.

God is amazing, homeskillets.  He truly is.

He used haiti  to help me see my sister, freedom, and His love in a new way.

FREEDOM. bound by Christ.

i now realize freedom is a very subjective thing.  i mean, is a person behind bars trapped or free?  is a person dropped into a new country, a new culture, with no skills  trapped or free?  God taught me in six days it all depends on Him.

see.  in haiti, i was led by the rules of the trip.  i woke up when i was told to wake up.  i ate breakfast when i was told breakfast was served.   i got on the bus and rode to the work site, walked the path to the site, and worked when i was told it was time to work.  i stopped for lunch and ate what was provided.  i packed up and went to the orphanage, when i was told it was time to go.  dinner came like clockwork every day, along with worship time, and time to reflect on the day’s events.  i didn’t get a shower until all of this was done.   i got to live 6 days putting myself last– after God had been fully served with all i could give.

and i’ve never felt freer.  i truly had no regrets for 6 days.  this is HUGE for me.  i have a tendency to over think ERRRTHING— and, i always think there’s room to be better.  so, to not want to change anything about how i spent my time for 6 straight days was a gift from God.

i thought about erin.  i thought how God was so kind to help me understand in some very small way what boobah must be experiencing in prison.  her days are not her own.  she can do nothing without permission.  her life is planned down to the millisecond everyday.  yet,  she has not let that break her sweet heart or her amazing spirit–  because God is at the center of it.  God is making beauty out of her mistake and showing her a freedom she never experienced before.   in prison, she’s finding freedom because she has finally submitted herself to Him.

i got to talk to erin on the 4th of july.  i apologized for my obnoxious worry that has been filled with her “choosing” change.  i told her i wasn’t worried about her future anymore or how she was processing everything that had happened–  because God taught me in haiti that He does all the work.  while on the trip, He used every moment and filled my days with service, obedience, humility, brokenness, and love.  i truly did nothing for myself until His work was finished for the day.

i thank God for using haiti and prison to teach me that in serving time with Him, whether just 6 days or 2 years,  there is freedom.