under the big top

life is truly a circus.  it’s filled with tight rope acts, flaming rings of fire and, if your lucky, cotton candy.  this year, my big top housed some amazing acts–   three rings of constant change and surprises.

i thought to honor turkey day i’d take a moment to reflect on my crazy circus–  and try to be thankful for each and every spectacular, life-changing moment in 2011.

so, homeskillets, here’s my pre-turkey thankful list with a big top twist.

clearly, He needs a megaphone for me

first and foremost i’m super grateful the BIG MAN upstairs is my ring master.  i can’t imagine what i’d be like today if i hadn’t handed my life to God eight years ago.  i was a mess right after i had thing 1.  i was lost and sad and empty.  BUT GOD.  He opened my eyes and my heart.  this circus would be one clown car closer to crazy town without him.

sweet moments make my life better

second, i’m so glad i got a beautiful, cotton candy moment in june when the Lord (and many of you) allowed me to go to haiti.  this experience changed my life.  i have new friends because of this trip–  women of all ages and  at different stages of life.  i feel so blessed to know each and every one of these sweet ‘skillets, and it wouldn’t have happened without this trip.  i also got to feel for 6 sweet days just how big God is.  He has no limits and He can use me in spite mine.  my haiti experience was definitely a cotton candy moment–  so sweet.  thank you,  homeskillets for helping me go!  i love you all.

my nemesis, seriously

third on my list are some tightrope moments.  i believe the tightrope is my biggest nemesis in the circus.  a tightrope represents ultimate balance, concentration, and confidence.  there have been times this year i haven’t had any of those, and i could feel myself falling.  one of these moments came before haiti.  i was struggling as a mom.  i felt as if my skin was too tight, the rooms were too small, and my boys were too much.  i was off balance.  my concentration was gone.  and, i was questioning myself and my abilities every second.  BUT GOD.  thankfully, He has provided awesome help for me when my anxiety/depression gets the best of me.  thank God for counseling and medication!  can i get a word and holla.  fo’ realz.

Lord, refine me

and, i can’t close out my thankful list without being thankful for the flaming rings of life.  i’m walking through the fire as i type.  cancer and chemo are my flames.  i am thankful because through the flames i will be refined.  i will be able to lean into the Lord and my faith even more.  i will learn just how weak i am, and just how strong God is.  so, i say with a thankful heart, bring it on!!

there it is.   a year under this homeskillet’s big top.

battling the blah blah monster

this frayed life

right now i am under attack– i am battling the blah blah monster.

unfortunately,  this isn’t the first time the monster has made an appearance.  usually when the battle begins it starts small–  like a well-loved blanket my life starts to feel slightly frayed around the edges.   i know the monster is messing with me because a few key strings (relationships) start to pull, feather, snag on the day-in/day-out routine– misunderstanding and hurt feelings are the norm and i begin to lose energy.

no one enjoys a super sad 'skillet

that’s when i become one. sad. ‘skillet.

and, believe me– NO ONE enjoys a sad ‘skillet.

when i lose my joy (and my therapist can tell you, in great detail, about the times i have)– everyone suffers.  thing one and thing two fight more and battle for attention.  the hubs walks around like a kid who’s lost his favorite toy.  and i just exist– sucking oxygen and filling space.  i have nothing to offer and i become a shadow of what God made me to be.

thankfully, i’ve battled the blah blah monster enough to know how to win.

thankfully,  my previous battle scars remind me– i am uniquely made and able to take on any challenge the monster might throw at me.  the beauty of experience, pain, and conflict is–  i have WISDOM.

i know i can CHOOSE joy.  i know i can CHOOSE to participate in my life.   i know i can CHOOSE to sparkle despite the nagging voice in my head that SCREAMS at me to stop.

i ain't buyin' -- bad boy

see.  i finally figured it out.  the blah blah monster is just the part of me too afraid to make a choice–  too afraid to participate in God’s plan for my life.

so now when the attack comes–  i battle back with TRUTH.

i tell that blah blah bad boy to go sell sad somewhere else.

’cause this ‘skillet ain’t buyin’.