what’s on your mind…

i hate vague posts on facebook.  i really do.  in order to lay some things down i need to say something.  and,  the “what’s on your mind” status window on facebook wasn’t big enough for my heart.

okay. i’m only talking to the people who care about me now… the ones who WANT to invest in me, the ones who want to know me. if you don’t know me, or can’t hang, i fully understand. (i’m a ride, a total ride). the best thing may be to hit eject and unfriend me. i’ll understand. i live my life open, full of struggle and doubt.

maybe facebook is not the best venue to walk out my journey… but, guess what, that’s truly my burden to walk. i use bad language, and i’m a Christian. i struggle with unbelief in God in a world full of death, struggle and hate, but i don’t want to do life without Him.

I BATTLE.

out loud. openly.

sometimes i battle fear and it comes out sideways. my mind gets into ruts, and i can over think the smallest things. i battle with seeing the world in absolutes. i battle with control. the past decade living with the unknown of cancer, the known of cerebral palsy, and the constant pressure of a bank account with just enough has pushed my faith, grown my faith.

i haven’t always liked God. in fact, i’ve been angry at Him.

this is true, and i am still a Christian.

a Christ FOLLOWER.

moving toward the goal.

despite being battle worn, i keep going.

pushing, asking, seeking for more.  

i ask, “how can i follow without losing all of me?” 

HE ANSWERS I CAN’T.

I BATTLE.

out loud. openly.

i battle with therapy. i battle by crying over coffee with trusted sisters in Christ that know me, know my heart, and are willing to hear and see the ugly parts of myself without leaving me, without trying to pray my God-given personality away like i’m broken. they say in the midst of the battle, “we lock shields with you, and trust God when you do not.”

sometimes the battle looks like funny curse-filled pictures that help me release the pressure, these bad words are not to hurt others, but to help me move through the anger, the pain. and, THIS is were i say again if you don’t walk this life with me, if you don’t particularly like me, maybe now would be the best time to hide me on social media, because let’s face it we’re not friends.

I BATTLE.

out loud. openly.

i’m really battling for the right to run my own life… the original battle.

BUT GOD NEVER LEAVES ME.

God ALWAYS stands firm on the battlefield armed with His holiness and confident my heart is His. He fights the lies and my pride with His truth and His grace. He shows His faithfulness when i am faithless. He reveals He can be trusted and allows me to return to Him.

FORGIVEN.

when i get really still and rest in His absolute goodness, He shows me that every struggle, every battle has His loving hand in it. i have been and will continue to be held. and, nothing i think or say can ever push me out of His loving arms.  my sanctification is completely His work.  my battle is the truth of His glory being written on my heart.

when i get really still i realize He’s carried me through the battle by reminding me of His love. He’s provided women who tell me truth. He’s provided a husband that loves me when i am stormy. He’s provided His word as a solid foundation to plant my feet on and lay my burdens down. He’s provided His son for my life, and He reminds me that He knew before the creation of the world THIS battle would come.

when i stop fighting, when i love Him more than myself…

THE BATTLE ENDS.

i let my guard down.

He leads me into His peace.

He washes the battlefield clean as snow.

i am not left the same, and He is bigger than before.

thank you to those who love me fully during the battle and on the victory march. you are witnesses to His work in me, my struggle, His love for me.

He is not finished with me, yet.  i will battle again.  thankfully each time i’m wiser.  the battle is clearer.  the enemy of pride is easier to spot, and i lay my arms down quicker.

I CONFESS.

the struggle is exhausting.  i love God with all my heart, but this world is hard as hell sometimes.

THANK GOD THE WAR IS WON.