where do i live?

lonely heart

i’ve been telling anyone and everyone about my time in haiti and the question i’ve been asked again and again is–

“have you been able to experience the same closeness with God since you’ve been home?”

the sad truth is no.  i haven’t.

so, i’ve been asking myself why.

why did He feel so real in a third world country?

if God is real.

if He is the same no matter where i am, why is the level of intimacy different here at home?

because He is constant and i am not.

it’s not God that’s changed, it’s me.

when i was in haiti i was in constant prayer.  i asked God to be my eyes, be my mouth, be my feet and hands.  i begged Him to use me.  i couldn’t wait to hear Him.  i couldn’t wait to look at the broken places in this world through His eyes.  fresh eyes.  eyes filled with love for the suffering.

now, i’m home.  i’m hit with the word “mama” atleast 27 times before my head is off the pillow in the morning.  it’s not that i’m sleeping late, it that my kids are up that early.

and then the hubs and i discuss the schedule for the week:

• am i meeting with my friend on monday night?
• do i have bible study tuesday?
•  the hubs needs to run on wednesday night.
• remember jack’s baseball practice on thursday.
• the kids can’t wait for friday night movie night.
• saturday is family time– ending in a date night on the couch.
• sunday is church.

now throw in managing our money.  to be good stewards with God’s provision takes time,  the ability to juggle, and the ability to project the family needs for at least 2 months into the future.  (based on the numbers, i think one of us will be able to be sick some time in september)

this is life.  it hits me fast and hard.  i long for time with God.  i long for a moment to capture the closeness i felt in haiti.

but, the reality is i live in the future.  not in the moment.  and, that one reality leaves my heart lonely.