a few days ago i made a play list of songs that mean something to me. the music i picked wasn’t the hippest– but, each song on the list puts me in a space. a place in my heart, or in my past, or a place where God has taken me– to grow me and show me life is about RIGHT NOW.
one song on the list — STUCK IN A MOMENT– by the awesome mr. bono takes me back to the first days of mommyhood.
i remember how broken i felt. i was feeling stretched and invisible and used up.
i was a straight.up.mess.
motherhood did not come naturally to me. i kept wondering why people kept congratulating me– were they crazy? congratulations! you are sleep deprived! congratulations! you have no clue what you’re doing! congratulations! you are totally responsible for another human being– good luck with that!
oh, and by the way. life is NOT all about YOU!
i could not get over the dreams i’d had for myself– the plans i was so sure would make me complete and happy. this whole baby thing was not what i had in mind. and, i was angry. i was angry at myself for letting this happen to me. i was a smart girl. i knew the consequences of meeting the perfect guy– falling in love– saying “yes”. but, here i was. career done. just as it was getting started.
i was angry at my hubby– because let’s face it– i couldn’t have done this alone. i was mad at him for loving me– wooing me– marrying me.
the first week was great. then life totally threw me an emerill, “BAM”. i’m pregnant– a honeymoon baby. really? really.
just call me fertile myrtle.
i remember running on a treadmill trying to regain my pre-marriage, pre-baby body (ha!) listening to bono sing, “i never thought you were a fool… but, darling look at you… ooh… you gotta stand up straight… carry your own weight… these tears are goin’ nowhere baby… you got yourself stuck in a moment and now you can’t get out of it.”
i literally started crying. i was hanging on to the treadmill– staring at myself in the mirror– and crying through this entire song. WHAT WAS I DOING?
i was missing out on the first, sweet moments of being a mommy and wife because i wanted my life to stick at 28.
i wanted to control my fate, my future, my path. and, these were the first moments God began to whisper, “you’re mine. your path is mine. your future is mine. your fate I decided long ago. you’re mine.”
i didn’t understand what He was saying at first. i struggled with leaving my career behind. i struggled with a new baby, with new responsibilities, with a new body. (i know the body image thing may seem superficial, but i’m not too proud to admit i did not like what i saw in the mirror. i pushed my hubby away because i did not feel attractive AT ALL.)
i was overwhelmed by each and every part of this new version of me– that’s when God began to move. He closed down old relationships and brought in new ones with women brave enough to say they were not as great as they pretended to be. He moved through my marriage and gave my hubs the strength to listen to my junk and not try to fix me. my sweet iron skillet (he’s requested this nickname) heard what i said and admitted he did not know what i needed– he simply loved me through my stuff. God also took away things i thought i needed to live– approval, security, false idols that did nothing but distract me from realizing what life is really all about.
i realize now what the congratulations were for. congratulations! you’ll realize you can never make yourself happy through a career, pay check, or title! congratulations! you will not be able to fully rely on yourself to get through life! congratulations! you’ll get to see God’s handprint on each and every day of your life from here on out.
the Lord gave me the huge honor of being a mom to not one baby boy– but two strapping jones boys. thing 1 and thing 2 keep me grounded. they humble me through my mistakes, show me grace despite my sins, and love me JUST BECAUSE . the Lord has held me up during my on the job training with these wonderful guys. i say, “thank God!”– for shaking up my life and sticking me in this moment and keeping my eyes wide open because i know this too shall pass.